Bathroom Etiquette 101 - For Men

So first off I want to say that I look damn sharp today.  I feel good and I look good.  See?  Even a fat guy can be handsome.  Next, I want to get into something that bothers the crap out of me and that's Bathroom Etiquette.  This one is especially dedicated to the men out there, but some of them may apply to you gals too.  Ready?  Here we go...

First things first.  I don't care how manly you, when there is more than one urinal open, take the one farthest from the guy who is already peeing.  That's AT LEAST one urinal over from the guy who is already doing his business.  If possible, leave another urinal available for the next guy, but under no circumstances do you stand right next to each other.  No one wants to see/hear your junk and we don't want you looking at ours.  This isn't peek-a-boo, this is business.

If, for any reason there are no urinals available, or you cannot use the "rule of one space", proceed to the next available stall.  That's right, pee in the bowl like a big boy.  No one will laugh at you.  Close the door if you're really conscious about it.  And please make sure you aim correctly.  Bring Cheerios if you need to and aim for those, but don't leave a mess for the clean up crew or worse, the next guy using the stall behind you.  It's gross and it makes you an asshole.

Speaking of stalls, remember that this isn't your personal confession booth.  We don't need to hear your phone calls to your darling wife or girlfriend and it's a bit unnerving that you'd call them from the bathroom anyway.  And *Newsflash* the stalls aren't sound proof.  We can hear your grunts and groans and while sometimes it's understandable, please keep it down.  It's bad enough we have to hear your Taco Tuesday flashback, we don't need a play by play of that hard to push poop.  And for God's sakes, FLUSH that puppy!!  We're not comparing lunch menus in here.

Moving along to our most important tip of all; hygiene.  Wash your hands people, even if you just came in to pee, you touched yourself and I don't care how clean you think you are, I don't want to go putting my hands on the door knob after you've just finished a round of pocket pool.  More importantly, washing after a poo.  That's right, you aren't the crafty wiper you think your are.  Unless you've got a surgical glove you keep for these occasions, make sure you do us all a favor and wash up before grabbing the exit door.  It just keeps us all a little bit healthier.

That's my public service announcement for the day.  Follow these simple guidelines and you'll make the public restroom a much better place for all of us.