Depression and the universe

This post will be less of a fun read because as of late, I've been feeling a bit down.  To be honest, it's been more like 2 years straight, but I can see a light at the end of the tunnel.  The problem is, I don't know how to get out of this funk.  I've been to a counselor, a psych, talked to friends and family and I've been on drugs to help enhance my mood.  Nothing seems to be working.

But I mentioned a light at the end of the tunnel.  I'm feeling better, just still not "me".  I want to do things that I enjoy, but when I set out to do them, I have no interest.  Nothing lately brings me any joy or contentment.  It's a shitty place to be in, I can tell you that.  Still, it gets a little better every day.  For instance, I haven't felt like writing in a long time and have a look at me now!  Yay.  That's simply because I'm tired of being this way and I want out, so I'm having to force myself to do things, even when I don't feel like it.

A good friend of mine has been giving me insight in how to start turning things around and it's working.  It's a simple little thing really; Be positive/Receive Positive.  It's how the universe works and skeptics can check their hat at the door, cause I've seen it working first hand.  Your outlook on life really does change the way universe receives you and gives back to you.

For instance, the other day I was working on a problem at work.  Long story short, a computer I was working on was giving me fits about installing a new OS.  I tried all the tricks in my book and I was frustrated beyond belief.  I walked a way for a few minutes, came back and said out loud, "Enough of this crap dammit!  You're going to work this time."  Well, it worked.  Why?  Because I came back with a positive reinforcement.  I did nothing different from the numerous other attempts before.  I just choose to stop letting it affect me negatively and turned it around.  There are other instances but I think you get the idea.

The hard part, is being this way every day.  Some days I'm hit with the depression so hard first thing in the morning, that it's difficult to change over to a positive outlook.  But I'm trying and that's what's making things better for me.  It's a slow, sometimes painful process, but I'm getting there.  Hell I'm talking and writing about it so that shows some improvement anyway.

The take-away here kids, is to not give up and keep at it.  Be positive, think positive and positive things will come to you.  It's really that simple.

Hopefully you'll see me back at it and up to my old stuff again soon.  Peace.

Best of Mac 2012

Addictive tips has a great year end review of the best Apps of 2012 for Mac.  Head over and get the apps you've been missing.

Close

Close. It's a feeling, it's a proximity...it's people, it's a place, it's objects. They're close. 

We are close.  Sometimes so much so, that it feels like we're the same mind.  We think alike, laugh about things without even saying anything.  Connected at a fundamental level at all times.

Today's blog touches on what close means to you fellow bloggers and readers.  Is it that touch or maybe a smell that brings back a fond memory or felling of closeness?  Or is it more object oriented for you?

Closeness to me means all those things, but mostly how close I am to my family and my friends in spirit if not always in presence.  It's Thanksgiving day surrounded by those who mean the most to us, or even a stranger we've invited in to dine with us.  It's that chilly morning that Tina and I snuggle up close to one another to feel the warmth of our skin.  It's the love and the loss I've felt over the past year of people so very close to me.

It's a good book I've finished and long to experience again.  And it's more.

What's your's?

On Turning 40

So it's slowly closing in; that feeling of despair and the creeping realization that you're old now.  In just 11 days, I will have turned 40 and while some say it's not that bad, others dread it like the plague.  I'm on the fence.  I don't feel old internally at least.  The body creaks, bones moan and joints snap, crackle and pop like a bowl of Rice Crispies, but I still feel like a kid in my heart.

The past year has been extremely difficult for me; three important people in my life passed on before their time, we've fought a hard battle over our home and I've become disconnected with friends and family.  I've been in a bad place the past 12 months and while sometimes it gets better, there are days when I go back there, unwillingly.  The difference in 6 months ago and today is that I see a light at the end of the tunnel and my time in the darkness becomes less and less each day.  The struggle isn't over, but I've crested the peak and I'm coming back to better days.

Turning 40 doesn't seem like such a big deal honestly.  After the trials of the past year, hell the past 20 years, I think 40 is just my new 20's.  I'm trying to do better physically and mentally and I'm trying to reconnect with my family.  But there have been lessons along the way that were instrumental in my growth and in some ways, I think I needed this awakening.  I needed to see just how short and precious life really is so that I can live it to the fullest each day.  I needed to be hurt and hurt those I loved to understand the true value of love. I needed the time away to reflect on who I am, where I'm going and how I'm going to get there.  The only thing that feels strange is the time it took me to get here.  I had to grow up early and lost out on a lot of my childhood, but just because you are forced to become a man, doesn't make you one.  It takes time, effort, love and a great deal of understanding.  Some people never get it.

So here I am, 11 days from my 40th birthday and I have regrets, but I also have a lot of success.  Would I change anything?  Sometimes I think I'd change some decisions but ultimately, no I wouldn't.  I'd only like to have had the opportunity to learn more quickly, but then the journey would not have been complete.

The one thing I can impart on my kids at this point is "ask questions".  Talk to me about everything, don't hold back.  It's something I wished I'd spent more time doing with those I loved.  Oh, and take more pictures.  Life passes too quickly and these small snapshots of memories help us to capture the best and worst of times.  It's a reflection on our life and how we lived it.  This will be the first and most important thing on my bucket list.


My gift to myself this year is just to make more of a difference, build the bucket list and start my journey.  It's what Dad and Billy told me to do and it's time I get busy living.

Hope

Nothing much with this post, just something someone very close to me wrote that made me think of the word "Hope" and a picture to describe what it means to me.  This someone is going through a hard time right now with the recent loss of her husband.  I love her dearly and I hope she knows how much we think of her and keep her in our thoughts and prayers.

Eulogy for Grandpa Doug Ellison as written by Alyssa Ellison

This is very late, but I've not had the strength of heart to post it.

My daughter Alyssa, wrote this beautiful piece just before we lost my dad in July.  It was a school project and she choose to pick her grandfather for the subject, knowing how his time with us was quickly slipping away.

Alyssa, I hope you know just how much this means to me.  I only wished I had shared it with dad before he passed, but I was afraid of upsetting him.  Now, in hind sight, I would have told him a lot more and not held anything back.

I love you baby girl.  Thank you for the wonderful memory of dad you've created for us.

Doug

“My Grandpa “

Very stubborn , independent , crazy at times but mostly loving

Lover of his family , dogs , and West Virginia

Who believed in fairness and the “Golden Rule “

Who wanted to complete his bucket list with Jack Nicholson & Morgan Freeman

Who was the most amazing Grandfather & father anyone could ask for .

Who gave us the world when we wanted it & gave us all his love every moment he could

Who you always catch saying “I love you , Man “

My grandpa who is truly an honest , hilarious , outstanding, caring man that you would  never forget when you met him.

~Alyssa Ellison

You Become What You Pretend to Be | The Creativity Post

You Become What You Pretend to Be | The Creativity Post


I have to share this fellow blogger's recent post.  It hits home on so many levels and defines who or what we becomes in life, based on how we approach life's many challenges.
It's all about attitude.